I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
