Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
