me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
