im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
