Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
