I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Someone came in the potted fern
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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