Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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