I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
