I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
are you so shy because you have an std?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
