Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
