I didn't shave. On purpose
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
