After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
