Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
