we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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