Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
