No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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