I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
