"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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