Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
