She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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