No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
