Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
