Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
