the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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