my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
