From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
