Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
