I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
