if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
