i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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