After last night, I could never be a politician.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
