Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I touched a dick in church today
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize