Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
