I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
