Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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