the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
