Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
