I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
