Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
