im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
well most of my day revolves around power hour
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
