how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
