I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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