you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
