I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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