the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
