u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
