Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
