mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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