I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When did angry sex become our thing?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
