I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My first STD was from a foam party
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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