Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
