I am midnight drunk by noon
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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