I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
