my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
